


Gasp

by hellsinki



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, but this is still more angsty than sexy, dominant!barry, hurt julian, i let bb jules be raped of course its ANGSTY, my first attempt at smut, noncon, please heed the warnings, possessed!barry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:53:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8956975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellsinki/pseuds/hellsinki
Summary: Barry Allen is a lot of things, but being extra cautious while dealing with meta criminals is not one. When Roy Bivolo shows up again in Central City to cause mayhem, Barry slips up real bad and this time, it's the one person he loves more than anything else in his life, that is forced to pay the price.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Before anything, please heed the warnings. This fic contains some disturbing themes like nonconsensual sex, a little bit of violence, panic attacks and my awkward, first time attempt at writing an explicit sex scene. I was inspired to write this fic after reading Taliesin_niseilaT's 'Another Kind Of Love' which is like the hottest depiction of allenbert rough sex and you should all go read it! I was then further encouraged by TheRedThread, and we agreed if the fic turned out awkward and silly, i could blame it all on her, so yeah :D if you're ok with all those warnings, please proceed. Thank you in advance for giving this fic a try (≧◡≦)

“Oh I can see it in your eyes...you love someone too much. You know what they say about emotions in excess?,” Bivolo gives a harsh, disparaging laugh, as he takes off his sunglasses and stares directly into Barry’s eyes. “They can cause you trouble.”

Barry is prepared for this, so he doesn’t avert his eyes. Cisco has made him a special type of contact lenses that will render Rainbow Raider’s pathokinesis power ineffective on him. _‘In theory, Barry,”_ Cisco had warned before Barry flashed out of STAR Labs to catch the rogue. But when was the last time one of Cisco’s inventions hadn’t worked? _A few times_ , Barry’s paranoid mind provides, but this is not the time to start doubting Cisco’s abilities. He has a rogue to catch, and honestly, he does not feel any different, so there is no need for concern.

“I think the only one in trouble now is you, Bivolo,” Barry says confidently across the room and before the rogue could actually move a muscle, Barry has his wrists trapped in a pair of metahuman cuffs and his eyes covered by the sunglasses just in case.    

Bivolo laughs again, the laugh of a triumphant man despite his current state of arrest, but does not struggle against the Flash. “I’d be careful who I choose to go home with tonight.”

Barry pushes him roughly toward the exist of the warehouse where the CCPD cars are waiting to arrest him. He has had enough of listening to metas’ nonsensical chatters for the day. “You should be more concerned about where _you’re_ going to spend the night.”

Rainbow Raider’s maniac laughter rings into his ears as he is shoved none too gently into a police car. There is something unsettling about his laughter, but then again, all criminals give off those creepy vibes, don’t they? Barry shakes off the feeling and speeds over to STAR Labs to celebrate yet another successful criminal catching with his team.

Back at the Labs, Caitlin runs a mandatory check-up on him and announces him to be in perfect health. Cisco is pleased with himself that his ‘anti-red-eye CL’ has worked but still admonishes him for taking unnecessary risks by meeting Bivolo’s most likely upgraded pathokinetic eyes head-on. Barry just plays it cool and gets ready to head back home.

 _Home_ , the word now holds a completely different significance to him. He is no longer living with the Wests. He has a place of his own now, shared with the man he loves more than anything else in his life.

_Julian Albert._

“You’re thinking of him again,” Caitlin says with a meaningful smile.

“Who?” Barry asks in confusion while Cisco just shakes his head, as if saying, _‘you’re truly a lost cause, Barry.’_

“Julian, who else? You have this fond smile on your face and this faraway look in your eyes every time you think of him,” Caitlin shrugs good-naturedly. “C’mon, off with you already. There’s no need for you here anymore.”

“Thanks guys, see you tomorrow then.” He’s out of STAR Labs before either of them could even wave goodbye.

 

***

 

Julian gets home almost an hour later than usual, as he was asked by Captain Singh to update a team of investigators on a homicide case that turned out to be unrelated to meta activity, so Julian had seen it fit to transfer it to them. Since he and Barry Allen got together six months ago and he was let in on his boyfriend's secret identity as none other than the Flash, Julian has been dedicating almost all his time to metahuman cases, making sure that his ever so careless partner did not run into danger zone blindly. Today though was different, in that Barry had assured him the new meta criminal in town was not really so new after all and he knew how to capture him without a hitch, so ‘ _you don’t need to worry about this case, Julian. I got it under control. Go work on your paper, you only have one week left until that conference in Starling!”_

_“Are you sure, Barry? You know your wellbeing is more important to me than any damn conference in the world.”_

Barry had kissed him so affectionately then, the kind of kiss that always leaves Julian short of breath and at a loss for words or any cogent argument, _“I know, love, but you need to trust me on this. I’ve already dealt with Bivolo in the past, I know how to take him on.”_

_“If you end up hurt, Allen, I’ll kick you out of the house and you’ll be forced to live with Cisco for a whole month.”_

_“I won’t get hurt, promise.”_

Well, Barry is kind of very shitty at keeping his promises, especially when his wellbeing is concerned, but Julian had decided to be the perfect boyfriend and give him the benefit of the doubt. He also resisted calling Caitlin to see if Barry was already done with Bivolo. He didn't want to seem like an overly concerned mother hen. Although he was, to a certain degree, but he’d rather keep it to himself. Plus, he wanted to show Barry that he trusted him to do the right thing, to take care of himself like a responsible adult. Julian wasn't sure that Barry would actually do that -- his safety is always the last thing on his mind when he encounters criminals -- but Julian is trying really hard to be the ideal boyfriend so he doesn't make a big deal out of it. What he can do is to give Barry as much information on the metas as he can get his hands on so Barry can go after them fully prepared and with a foolproof plan.

Not this time, though. Julian undoes the knot in his tie with a terrible feeling of trepidation in his gut. Maybe he should call Caitlin after all?

Just as he is about to reach for his cell phone, there's a knock at the door. Barry always makes a point in forgetting to take his keys with him so that Julian would be forced to open the door for him like a traditional stay-at-home partner. It would have been annoying if Julian didn't find Barry’s antics quite endearing.

 _The follies of being in love,_ he thinks with a smile as he opens the door to Barry. Only that it's not Barry. It's not _his_ Barry. Sure, the man standing outside has Barry's face, but none of his air. The expression on his face is all wrong, the way he’s looking at him sets off alarms in Julian's head. Not to mention those eyes are flashing red instead of being their normal dark green hues. Julian tries to recall as much as he can about the meta Barry was after today in the whole span of 50 seconds that it takes the man with his lover’s face to slam him against the wall and wrap his hand around Julian's neck, squeezing hard.

_Roy Bivolo, also known as Rainbow Raider, with the ability to manipulate his victims’ emotions just by looking at them in the eyes. The victims’ eyes would turn red as they’d go into fierce rage and turn homicidal and destructive to people around them._

Julian forces erratic, shallow breaths through his parted lips. He's still shocked at seeing Barry with such a cruel expression on his face, looking at him with so much hate and…is that hunger? Barry licks his lips with obvious intent and Julian’s heart tumbles down into the pit of his stomach as if the strings keeping it in place were suddenly cut off.

_Come on Julian, stop being an idiot and do something! What happened to all that military training?_

He can't just stand there and wait for Barry to choke him to death. Julian raises his leg for an up-and-forward motion with the knee right into Barry’s testicles (this wasn't the kind of military training he had, but he doesn't have his gun and he can hardly breathe so he improvises) but he forgot that his boyfriend was also the fastest man alive. He only manages to lift his leg a few inches off the floor before Barry lets go of his throat to grab him by the hair and slam his head against the wall behind him. For a moment everything goes black, but Barry's voice, coarse, cruel and authoritative, so different from what Julian remembers, breaks through the haze and dizziness and yanks Julian back into consciousness.

“You’re a feisty one, I like that.”

Julian sways on his feet as he feels the reverberations of his brain crashing into his skull, but strong arms grab his shoulders roughly and turn him around to face the wall, and before he can even comprehend what is happening, his hands are tightly bound behind his back by his own tie. Julian closes his eyes to stop the world from spinning and sucks in a shuddering breath to fight back the nausea. He hates it when he is concussed.

“What’s gotten into you, Barry? You need to snap out of it, this isn’t you,” Julian manages to force the words out after some deep breathing.

Barry grabs him by his collar and yanks him away from the wall and pushes him in the direction of the bedroom. Julian stumbles and it is only Barry’s hand grabbing his arm in a bruising grasp that prevents him from crashing headfirst into the floor.

“Shut up and move. Or I’ll be dragging you on the floor by your legs all the way to the bedroom.” The cruelty in that voice is so shocking to Julian that it brings back some awareness to his otherwise jumbled senses.

He stops in his track and turns his head around to make sure the voice had really come from Barry Allen and not some crazy serial killer. It is Barry and yet it is not.

“Fuck, you’d really do that, wouldn’t you,” Julian wonders half scared, half amazed.

Barry’s eyes flash red in warning as he shoves Julian forward, “I said shut up and move!”

Julian begins his slow walk toward the bedroom on shaky legs, all the while feeling acutely the pressure of Barry’s hand on his shoulder and the brush of hot breaths against the cold and clammy skin of his neck. It feels like he is walking toward his death, a guillotine disguised as a bed waiting to cut his head off. He doesn’t like to be dominated, to be forced to lose control and rendered powerless, not even as some kind of erotic practices. Barry is fully aware of Julian’s apprehensiveness about the slightest threat to his self-control and composure. That’s why they have never tried BDSM or any form of power play. The practice would make Julian flip out and have a panic attack.

He’s barely stopping an attack now.

Once they enter the bedroom, Barry grabs both sides of Julian’s collar and rips his shirt apart in one swift move that leaves Julian staring wide-eyed at this new, dangerous side of his lover.

“Okay, but that’s taking it a bit too far. I loved that shirt,” he says numbly, almost in a trance. He wonders if it’s the side effect of the concussion, his impending panic attack, or just his utter bewilderment at being manhandled by the one person he thought he would be always safe with.

“You talk too much, don’t make me gag you,” Barry growls wetly into his ears as he yanks the ripped sleeves off Julian’s arms and leads the now shirtless Julian to the middle of the room.

Julian shakes his head several times, feeling his throat constrict at the thought of being gagged. “Oh no, please don’t. I’ll be good.” He needs to be able to talk Barry out of this at some point. He needs to scream if things got too out of hand to perhaps be able to clue in Barry on the severity of his situation. More than anything, he needs to breathe.

“Yes, you’ll be good,” his smile is crooked and his gaze predatory. “Come here and put that pretty mouth on me.”

Julian takes a step back, “I...I’d love to, but I’m really close to a panic attack and I need to take my breathing exercises now.”

Barry growls and yanks Julian forward by grabbing his neck and forcing him to kneel in front of him, his mouth positioned exactly at the level of Barry's crotch.

“Fuck,” Julian groans in pain as his knees hit the floor too hard.

Barry grabs a handful of his hair and pulls his head back, exposing the elegant line of his throat. Tears well up in Julian’s eyes at the searing pain.

“Your eyes are pretty,” there isn't anything comforting about that statement. Barry says that as if it's the first time he has noticed Julian's eyes, making him all the more certain that Barry has no idea who he really is.

“Yours aren’t. They’re red. I don’t think that’s normal,” he gasps after every sentence, desperately in need of some deep, calming breaths.

Barry lets go of Julian’s hair to unzip his pants, then pulls out his cock and presses it persistently against Julian’s tightly-closed lips.

“Open up,” he almost barks in that intimidating voice, causing Julian to flinch in discomfort.

Julian shakes his head, giving Barry a spiteful look. He really needs his breathing exercises now. _Damn it._

“Okay, we’ll do it the hard way,” was Julian’s only warning before his jaw was grabbed in a bruising grip and his lips were pried open forcefully so that Barry could slide the length of his erection all the way inside.   

When the head of Barry’s cock ( _always so beautiful, long and pale and perfect, it feels so awfully wrong now_ ) hits the back of his throat, Julian gags and tries to wrench his head back but Barry reaches out to grab the back of his head with super speed and pushes his mouth further onto his cock. Barry keeps thrusting his cock into Julian’s resisting mouth until he has to hastily jerk away as Julian’s teeth sink into the hard softness of his erection.  

“Fuck,” he yells and shoves Julian away so hard that he is sent flying back to land painfully on his back, hitting his head against the floor with a sickening thud, with his tied hands now trapped beneath him.

Julian is so winded that he can’t even whimper through the pain and a new wave of nausea rising up in his throat.

“That was a grave mistake,” the threat sounds even more terrifying delivered in that cold, hardened voice but Julian is almost past the point of being able to feel more terrified than this.

He is also amazed at how long he has been keeping the panic attack at bay. _Must have been all those mental trainings Barry’d put me through,_ he thinks distractedly as he looks up at the ceiling and tries to bring his erratic breathing under control. His throat hurts when he tries to swallow, he can actually taste bile at the back of his tongue. He needs to get up before he vomits, but with his hands trapped behind his back, he can’t really move. _Like a giant cockroach on its back, why hello Mr. Gregor Samsa._ He can't stop a hiccuping laughter that image forces out of him. Just then the white ceiling above him is replaced with Barry’s face, darkened with an expression of cold fury and imminent vengeance.

“I couldn't breathe,” he says as a way of explaining himself and maybe placating Barry.

He isn’t so naive as to think that it could actually work.

“You really think this is the worst it could get?,” the voice is velvety soft, dangerously soothing whispered hotly into his ear as Barry’s lips gently graze his earlobe. Julian suddenly has a hard time remembering that this is not his Barry, that the fingers dancing languidly on his bare skin and rubbing circles around his nipples are just giving off an illusion of tranquility, that the mouth sucking seductively at the hollow of his throat could just as easily tear through his flesh, that he isn’t being seduced by his boyfreind but violated by a demented stranger.

Julian suppresses a treacherous moan as Barry’s lips wrap around a nipple and pull the nub between his teeth, sucking hard. Instead, he tries to remember why this needs to stop.

“Listen Barry,” his voice has become huskier with his unwelcome arousal, “you really don’t want to do this. You love me and you know I have this...condition. You’d never do this to me.”

As if the spell is finally broken, Barry raises his head from Julian’s chest, gets a hold of his shoulders and hauls him up. He slams Julian’s back against the wall and holds him there, slightly above the floor, bringing him just at his eye level.

“But I _am_ doing this to you, and I’m loving every second of it.”

He crashes his mouth against Julian’s in a vicious kiss, grazing the soft flesh with sharp teeth and breaking skin. When he forces his tongue inside Julian’s mouth, he can actually taste the blood - his own blood - on the tip of Barry’s tongue, mixing with their shared saliva.

Julian whimpers and tries to turn his head to the side, but Barry grips his jaw forcefully in one hand and holds his face in place.

“What’s your name?” The question throws Julian, even more so than the blood staining the corner of Barry’s mouth or the crazed, hungry look in those red, stranger eyes. _He really has no idea who I am_ , and he isn’t sure if he should feel relieved or more terrified over that realization.

“Julian.” Somehow he manages to move his numbed, bleeding lips to utter the two syllables of his name.

“Julian,” he says his name so differently from how he always does. Like it’s a foreign name, an exotic taste on his tongue that he can’t decide if he likes or not. “Julian, I’m going to fuck you now.”

This was inevitable, but Julian’s breath still hitches upon hearing it nonetheless. Fear like poison seeps inside his veins reaching his heart and finally putting a stop to its erratic beating. Because of his condition, Barry had allowed Julian to be the one who always topped. Julian had been thinking about bottoming for Barry once, as some kind of a surprise or a present, perhaps for his birthday which would come in two months. This wasn’t the kind of scenario that he had imagined he would be losing his virginity to Barry though.

Julian breathes out slowly. “Don't do it without preparation.”

Barry bursts into mocking laughter, his fingers still digging painfully into Julian's exposed shoulder.

“The slut that you are, you’ll be gagging for it in no time, so cut this whole virginal bullshit already.”

Julian had never really cared much for dirty talk.

“Barry...you’re Barry Allen. You’re the Flash, the great hero of Central City. Please come back to me.” His voice wavers at the end as his eyes blur and well up with tears. He doesn’t know why he got emotional over that last line. He isn’t a romantic by any means, but he suddenly just realized how much Barry, the kind, loving, sweet Barry, meant to him now that he was gone.

Barry’s mouth twists in distaste at his display of weakness, “Stop talking nonsense or I’ll shove something into your pretty little mouth to shut it for you.”

He runs his thumb over Julian’s quivering, bruised lower lip, presses down on the still bleeding cut in the middle, and then pushes his finger inside Julian’s mouth.

Julian doesn’t even think about biting the finger now.

Barry takes his thumb out and grabs the side of Julian’s face, fingers tangled into the mess of longish, blond curls.  

“Okay, I’ll shut up.” He can barely hear his own voice over the hammering of his heart.

Barry gives a satisfied, predatory grin, “Good boy.” And yanks Julian’s head forward for a quick but painful kiss.

He breaks the kiss with another bite on his lip, and pushes Julian toward the bed, “Lie on your stomach.”

Julian’s automatic response is to protest, but he manages to bite down on his tongue to stop the words from leaving his mouth. He really doesn't fancy being gagged on top of everything else.

Slowly he lowers himself on the bed, careful not to lose his balance with his hands bound at his back. He puts one side of his face on the pillow and begins breathing slowly through his nose. He closes his eyes when Barry positions himself right behind him on the bed, wishing this was all a hideous nightmare he was going to wake up from any minute now.

Barry pulls Julian’s pants and underpants down his legs with one swift move, exposing his backside to the coldness of the room. Julian shivers slightly, running his tongue over the cut on his lip and tasting the salty tang of blood. His blood...his essence...his existence. Which preceded which for him now?

“I envy whoever gets to fuck this ass. Maybe I’ll make you mine.”

“I’m already yours,” the admission leaves a hollow feeling in his heart, a tangy taste of heartache in his mouth. Maybe it’s just the blood.

“You are?” Barry asks incredulously.

Alright, maybe that wasn’t a wise thing to say. This was obviously not his Barry.

“Not...not this you. The other you. The one who’s gentle and in love with me. The one who’d stop when I tell him to.”

“But where’s the fun in that?”

He moves his hand over Julian’s ass, slides his fingers into the crack and pushes two fingers into the tight, dry hole unceremoniously.

“Aahh!,” Julian yelps in pain, caught off-guard by the sudden intrusion of his body.  

Barry twists his fingers inside and Julian manages this time to hold in the scream. “You wanted preparation. This is as generous as I can get.”

“Use lube goddamn it,” he says through gritted teeth, tears prickling in the corner of his eyes.

Suddenly he finds his head roughly pushed into the pillow, muffling his protests.

“You really need to learn how to keep your fucking mouth shut.”

Barry keeps his hand on Julian’s head, forcing it down into the pillow and making it even more difficult for him to breathe. Then he pulls out his fingers and spreads Julian’s cheeks wide enough to press the tip of his cock against the resisting, puckered hole. Julian tries to move away, kicking out one leg toward Barry in sheer panic, but Barry quickly gets a hold of his two legs and yanks his body forward, dragging Julian’s face over the bedding and bringing his ass even closer to his cock.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard you can’t walk straight for a week,” Barry whispers cruelly into his ear, with his body bent over his prone one, hands still keeping his legs still and the head of his cock brushing against his hole threateningly.

_This is as good a time as any to start screaming, Jul._

“No...no, no no, Barry come on, don’t do that, you don’t really want to do this, c'mon snap out of it, I’m your fucking boyfriend, you love me.”

“Shut up,” is the only warning he gets before Barry pushes himself into his tight, dry passage with one forceful thrust, cutting off Julian’s breath for all the two seconds before a scream tears its way out of his throat.

"You scream so beautifully,” Barry grunts somewhere above his head, his body flushed against his, pressing hard on his arms twisted behind his back, blunt nails digging into his shoulders and scratching along his sides, while he keeps pounding into his ass in fast, yet deep thrusts.

“You need to stop! Barry stop, _stop_ , this hurts too much,” he is begging him now, through the blinding pain and tears, and somehow that hurts more than what’s being done to his body. Julian is a proud man, if nothing else. He wouldn’t have begged for his life, and now he’s begging for the pain to stop.

 _You pathetic piece of shit_ , he thinks with someone else’s voice in his head. This is the worst time for tripping down the memory lane, _come on!_

But he doesn’t stop. Not until he spends himself deep inside Julian’s abused hole, and collapses heavily on top of him, as if suddenly he is drained of the last drop of his energy and strength to be able to support his own weight.

Julian is only thinking about his breathing now.

“Jul-Julian?” Barry slowly lifts his head and chest off Julian’s back. He sounds so lost and scared. To Julian, he has never sounded sweeter.

The nightmare is finally over, although the pain remains. He would have heaved a sigh of relief if he wasn’t fighting for his next breath.

“Oh my god...baby, baby are you ok?”

Barry puts his hand gently on his head, fingers carding through his hair in a soothing manner.

For a moment, Julian manages to deceive himself into thinking that everything’s fine and his heart is not beating its way out of his chest.

“Yeah...just...let me...catch my breath,” he gasps and it hurts breathing. He hurts everywhere, the kind of pain he has never felt before. _Always a first time for everything._  Julian really hates his penchant for grim poetic humor when it's directed at himself.

Barry quickly unties his hands and rolls him over on his back and helps him sit up. Julian looks up and for the briefest moment that he manages to make eye contact, he notices Barry’s eyes are now their normal dark green color. _I will never love any other color but the color of Barry Allen’s eyes._

The next thing he notices is that he can’t pull oxygen into his lungs anymore. He is wheezing, over-breathing, terrified. He’s going through a panic attack and he's too far gone to remember how to overcome it now.

Barry cups Julian’s face with both his hands, staring worriedly into his wide, terrified eyes. “Look at me, Jul, hey it’s okay, you’ll be fine. Just breathe with me, okay?”

This is familiar. Julian knows how to sync his breathing with Barry’s instructions. They have done this a number of times before. He can do this.

_Inhale, count 5 heartbeats. Hold breath, count 7 heartbeats. Exhale, count 9 heartbeats._

They go through as many as 20 breath cycles until Julian begins to calm down.

“Thanks,” he says softly as he moves his head back to rest it against the headboard, but Barry throws his arms around him in a tight embrace and pulls him against his chest.

“Julian, god I’m so sorry...What did I do to you?” He buries his face into Julian’s hair and makes a noise that sounds disturbingly like crying.

Julian puts his hand around Barry’s back and they hold each other for a while.

“It’s okay, it wasn’t you.”

“I hurt you,” he sounds so broken and lost, even more so than how Julian is feeling now.

“It’s fine. It wasn’t too bad,” he lies. He can’t stand seeing his strong, heroic boyfriend reduced to such a pitiful state because of him. He can deal with his pain all on his own. He can’t deal with Barry’s.

Barry finally lifts his head off Julian’s shoulder and looks at him with deeply shamed, tearful eyes. “I’ll do anything for you babe, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Julian knows what Barry is really saying. That he could ask him to leave, and he would. That Julian could tell him to get out of his life and never come back, and he would. That Julian had every right to break it off with him and Barry would not protest because he deserves it.

But Julian will not give him the easy way out.

“You can do one thing for me.”

“Anything.”

“Stop being such an idiot when chasing after metas.” Julian can see that his request has taken Barry completely off-guard. “You’re really irresponsible Barry. What if you had gone to someone else in such a state? What if it wasn’t me but Iris? What would you have done then?”

Barry sucks in a shuddering breath that sounds like a sob. He rubs at his eyes furiously to wipe off the tears. Julian doesn’t have the heart to tell him to wipe off the bloodstains on his mouth as well.  

“You’re right,” he starts weakly, then in a much firmer tone, “No, you’re right. I’m a fucking class A idiot. I didn’t heed Cisco’s warning, I was too damn overconfident.” He looks at Julian with pleading eyes. “And I’m so fucking sorry Julian, I hurt you so much and I know it wasn’t me, but this is all on me all the same, because I fucked up. I…”

“Hey,” He’s openly crying now and Julian can’t take that. “I’m not some delicate china doll, you know that right? There was some pain, yes, but I panicked because it wasn’t you and I wasn’t sure what’d happen next. Don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? I’ll be fine after a shower and some rest.”

Barry nods his head slowly, although he doesn’t look convinced. “Yeah, of course…a shower would be good. Do you...need help with that?” he asks almost sheepishly.

Julian forces a smile for him and shakes his head, “No I’ll be fine. You can put on some tea in the meantime if you like.”

“Tea, yeah sure, of course. I’ll make some herbal tea, lemon balm, the way you like it, yeah.”

Barry sounds so nervous, so eager to be helpful even if he thinks nothing he does would really be enough, and Julian is reminded why he has fallen in love with this man in the first place.

He slowly gets out of bed and tries so hard to school his expression into a neutral one, so that Barry wouldn’t notice just how much pain he is feeling all over his body. He probably should have his head checked for that concussion but that is the furthest thing on his mind right now.

Once he gets into the bathroom and locks the door, he turns on the shower but walks back to the toilet instead and kneels down. Thinking that the sound of water and the closed door would muffle any sound he would make, Julian begins to throw up noisily into the toilet.

Everyone goes through a traumatic experience in their lives, some more than once, but they all learn how to live with that experience and move on. Julian thinks about his sister Emma, and the day she died. He thought he could never be able to draw another breath without her around. He thinks about Savitar and how he had been mind-controlled and forced into doing horrible things for years. He thinks about all the steps and missteps that brought him to this one singular point in time. Time...it passed, and no, it did not heal the wounds, but it slowed down the blood loss and gave his mind other things to worry about. It also gave him Barry. The love of his life.  

After he stops retching the whole contents of his stomach into the toilet, he thinks that if this incident can make Barry more careful in the future, then maybe this was a necessary sacrifice. Come morning, he’ll be feeling better than this utter shit he's feeling now and everything will be back to normal.

_You can close your eyes against gravity all you want, but that won't stop the fall._

Still kneeling down, Julian rests his face against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall, closes his eyes and breathes slowly through his mouth.

_In...out. In...out. In..._

 

**Author's Note:**

> **I have no firsthand information on how to overcome panic attacks and took the instruction from the net. 
> 
> I know I should have been updating my other allenbert fic instead, but the thought of a hurt, dominated Julian wouldn't leave me alone, so i ended up with this. Hope you like it!


End file.
